SHAME "ON YOU" How To Clean The Soul
Oh, the shame is all you hear in your head. I am dirty and unclean as I have been tainted by the filth of life. Why am I the chosen one who has been brought to their knees drowning in what was once self-worth!
I am beaten down by the words that brought me here, and the touch that was nowhere near holy! I travel through life silently replaying this haunting melody of demeaning banter over, and over again repeating every moment as it has happened. I go numb.
I deserve nothing! I am nothing! Go ahead kick me when I am down because I did something really bad in life to have this happen to me; as this is my punishment for all that I have done wrong!!
POWERFUL DARK WORDS, aren’t they?
These words run deep as this is how many people feel when they carry shame suffocating their very being. As the words pound away breaking you down piece by piece there seems to be no escape just misery and pain. As the sadness burns the skin which was once unscathed and beautiful, now is gray and sullen. The depression sets in as you are lost in the thoughts of your mind. How did I get there?
How do we get to this dark place in life? There are many answers to that question – Abuse, Neglect, Trauma, Low Self-Esteem/Worth, these are just a few to name, but the bottom line is all of these can bring you to this deep place of pain. The biggest questions are, how can you over come it all and is it even possible?
The answer is - YES
I remember back to a time when I was about thirteen years old and I was going through so much trauma and abuse in my life that I could not see the light of day. I walked around in a cloud of confusion dazed by the daily grind of hideous and long-standing abuse.
I stood in the mirror staring so intently at myself hating everything that was looking back at me from my head to my toes. I was crawling inside my own skin as I could not bare to really see the truth behind my darkness. I looked away and the tears began to flow, then I looked back and something inside of me gave a spark, it was anger. I was infuriated at the thought of where all of this has brought me to this skinny shell of a girl whose big blue eyes once danced in the sun.
Now those blue eyes tell a story of horror and abuse. As my mind began to wander I thought about all that has happened to me, and how I want better for myself. I deserve better! I am worth it! I began to repeat these words out loud trying to change my mindset. The same mindset that has told me I worthless to the world. NO!!! I refused to be swallowed up by the words that are not mine! I will fight!
I pulled out my notebook and feverishly wrote those words repeatedly filling page after page willing myself back to the self-worth that was wrongfully taken away from me. This is where it began, the acceptance of what has happened, and the slow change that is yet to come.
We all must start somewhere and that is with a few simple words that are far more than simple. I DESERVE BETTER – I AM WORTH IT.
Now that is just the beginning of a long and hard journey back to the light of day where the sun will shine on your face for the first time in years!
Take it one small step at a time. I always tell people to write it down. Write small statements or verses. Write one word or two if that is all you can get out, then read it back to yourself and add to it. As you continue this course you will start to fill the pages as you are releasing all the wrongs that were done to you.
The next step is to say the words out loud. Hear your voice, really listen hard and hear your tone. Feel as if you have been deaf for years and now you just received a fresh new pair of ears!!! Listen to the sound of your silence as it comes to life. If the tears begin to flow, let them weep for the pain, weep for the glory as you are making your way toward recovery and healing.
Will there be set backs?
With all things in life it can be two steps forward, three steps back, but keep pushing and before you know it, there will be no steps back and full steam ahead. If you commit to it, and work on your mindset it will happen you will heal.
Will you be the same as you were before?
NO - you will be better, stronger, standing taller then you ever have before, it can happen you can heal your soul once and for all. You may be a bit dented with a few quirks as you are imperfectly perfect, but that is the beauty of all this hard work. As you pass over that threshold and look back those quirks are now your medal of honor and you should celebrate every one of them. As you learn what they all mean it will make sense and this is when the self-care comes in. You can now nurture your soul releasing the darkness and allowing yourself to shine bright for all the world to see. You are a warrior who has dug through the trenches and survived!
As you look in that mirror of shame it will crack and break, as the pieces fall to the floor you will emerge cleansed, renewed and whole once again.
Take that leap of faith break that mirror and Embrace The Journey.
The Unspoken Truth A Memoir