PTSD - The Reality - Looking Through the Glass

What is PTSD

If you have experienced severe trauma, abuse, neglect, loss or a life-threatening event connected to war or in a noncombat situation – you may have PTSD. 

PTSD is a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of experience, with dulled responses to others and the outside world.

Do you feel on edge? Are the nightmares continual and repetitive? Do sudden noises make you jump or are you terrified of the dark? How about certain smells, do they trigger negative memories or flash backs? Do you feel uneasy when going to certain places, or a time of the clock seems magnified? What about doing a certain task, does that make you cringe?

All of this adds up to the reality that PTSD is a real condition, and in the moment of distress it can be quite frightening. You are actually living in two worlds at once inside your mind during those horrific flash backs.  As your logical mind is trying to make sense of it all, your traumatized side is running for cover!  It is the battle of the wills.  Your vision, thoughts and rational mind go out the window, and everything is clouded and distorted.

Am I insane? Call me crazy!  I am lost! How did I get here?

Can I be cured?

These are a few questions that many survivors ask along the way. Are they valid questions – Absolutely!!!

Does society really understand?  

I will say YES to a point.  There are still many naysayers out there that brush off this condition as “fake” or “false” stating that the person who is struggling is attention seeking.

This is the farthest thing from the truth.

When I hear people make those types of statements my first response is “WTF”!!!!! How ignorant or condescending is that statement in itself? It is actually offensive!

As an abuse survivor I can state firsthand that PTSD is the real deal, and when someone is in the thick of trauma, it can be debilitating.  Imagine walking down a beach with one foot in the water and the other in the sand, that is how it feels.  You are trying to make it to higher grounds as the waves of the past are sucking you in.   Deeper and deeper you go feeling like you are drowning with no way out. That sand under your feet is sucking you in like quicksand.

Heavier and heavier your footing becomes until you hit that point of complete darkness, fighting for a breath of fresh air.   Suffocating in the stench of abuse and pain as these twisted images dance before your eyes.  At the same time, you are trying to go about your daily life, functioning as a “Normal” human being.

Can you imagine this being your daily grind?  It is a horrific place to stand, as you are trying to survive your past experiences.  Then you are trying to also explain yourself to others, and many times the words just will not come out, leaving everyone in a state of confusion.

As a young child and young adult, I was emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually abused.  My past has left me damaged in many ways.   It took a lot of hard work and determination to overcome many of those hurtles, but I did not walk away unscathed.    

Another example that I can offer is this: The Looking Glass

Image standing behind a glass wall, and on the other side is your current life in motion. You are standing there hearing the muffled sounds of a normal day, but your mind is in another place. A place of darkness and everything before your eyes is a clouded view. You place your hands on that glass, rubbing it to clear your vision, but it is still cloudy. As you see a distorted view and hear the muffled sounds you are feeling scared, overwhelmed, and confused. You bang on the glass harder and harder, but nobody can hear you, because the silence of your words is held so tightly. This is - “living in two worlds at one time” … PROFOUND

For many abuse survivors as we work towards healing, we find that some of those past triggers and quirks remain.  Sometimes, they are a life-long branding of the past.

How do we overcome what will not go away?

I want to share with you one of my triggers that has been left over from the past, and it is something that I continually try to get around, but it remains. This is a powerful example of the reality of PTSD

The Dentist:

I unfortunately had more than one abuser in my life. The second abuser came into my life at the age of 12 and he was a very sick young man.  His abuse towards me was physical, touristic and sexually violent. This abuse went on for two ½ years before I was able to escape his clutches, which left me in a world of silence, riddled by nightmares and flashbacks.

Now you are thinking to yourself, I am sure, what does this have to do with the dentist right?

The connection for me is a few things. 

First of all, as a child my personal dentist was a menace doing unnecessary fillings, tooth pulling and other procedures all for money.  As children we were put through painful treatments which left me emotionally scared and fearful to walk into the door of a dentist office, even to this day.  I cannot handle the sound of the drill because it instantly brings me back to childhood and the pain that this doctor put me through! Visions of countless children lined up in the hallway, and hearing the cries and screams from the other side of the door. I remember thinking, “How can I escape”.

TRIGGER WARNING:

Now fast forward to the years of my sexual abuse.  My abuser was so vile, violent and touristic that he inflicted pain onto me whenever he possibly could.  This included forcing objects (including his penis) into my mouth and down my throat, as I choked and gagged fighting for my life. He would then wrap his hands around my neck and choke me even further. I would black out at times and awake in severe pain and confusion.

The abuse was horrendous and it happened on countless occasions. This violence has left me scarred for life.  

Now imagine me sitting in a dentist chair feeling the anxiety, pushing away the past thoughts, feelings and images inside my mind.  I am feeling vulnerable sitting in that chair as they are putting things inside my mouth.  I feel my body stiffen as I hold onto the arms of the chair for dear life, silently talking myself through a simple cleaning!  For me this is an emotional experience every single time.

If I need to have any other dental work done besides a cleaning, I have to be knocked out because I know I cannot handle it. I always felt that this was a huge weakness for me, and I was frustrated by it for many years.  Now as I have come to a wonderful place of healing in my life.  I realize that it is not a weakness.  

I am brave enough to say the words out loud and acknowledge my triggers.  I am also able to attach a meaning to it. That is a huge part of the healing process, as I connect a meaning to the past pains that have harbored inside my mind for years.

As I accept my triggers and quirks, I am learning to work with them and not against them. I know my limits in certain situations, and I embrace them because they are a part of me. They are not who I am as a person, but it speaks to the scars that have been left over from the madness.

I remind myself during times of struggle that I am OK.

I am a work in progress!

This one story about how my past has affected me, is not out of the ordinary for millions of abuse/trauma survivors.   

There are so many people walking around every single day living in these two worlds trying to find a way out. Trying desperately to cope and find balance.

How can we help?

We can start by educating ourselves and learning how to understand the best way that we can. We can offer kindness instead of ridicule or judgement. Someone who has never been through such struggles may not be able to understand fully, but by education and a keen listening ear, there is much to learn.

The best teachers in life, are other people’s stories and experiences!

The good, the bad and the ugly, they all matter in the game of life.

I ask that you please PASS ON this Blog, because there is so much to learn just by reading it.

We all have a story, and this is a glimpse into mine.

Embrace The Journey,

God Bless

Lisa Zarcone

2023 Women of Impact - Business West Magazine

Author-Child & Mental Health Advocate-Public Speaker-Social Media Influencer-Blogger

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