Love - Loyalty - Trauma - The Internal Battle Inside the Soul

On this day 12 years ago, at 1:17 pm on a cold sunny afternoon my mother took her last breath here on this earth and embarked on a new journey. A journey that I could not walk along with her. This was something she had to do on her own. I do not believe she travels this path alone, but it is one that I cannot do with her. It is no longer my place or duty.

Yes, I used the word duty because for most of my life, it was me who stood by her side loving her, loathing her and being a faithful loyal daughter. At a young age I had this sense of knowing about many things in life, and one of them was that no matter what happened along the way, I would always be loyal to my mother.

As time went by in life, many people stepped away from her and did not support her due to her mental illness. Joann was a difficult woman filled with a righteous attitude and a tough exterior. Honestly, she wore people down with her never ending antic, that were beyond her control. Mental illness is an insidious beast that is unforgiving. It robbed her of so much in her life, and isolated her because not many people were able to embrace the “true Joann”. They could not see it, and that is the sad truth.

Joann was a beautiful woman filled with a love of life and family. Her faith ran deep, and she was gifted with many creative talents. Mental illness clouded this view, and what most people saw was a very twisted woman of many personalities with mean spirited words and actions. She definitely road the “crazy train”, and at times she was so out of control, nobody could reach her, not even me.

I spent my whole life watching her, studying her, examining her and trying to figure her out. How could I HELP her and make her better. What would truly make her happy. I would rack my brain, and try everything humanly possible to be a positive support for her. This was no easy journey, I can tell you that because she fought me every step of the way. She would only be satified for very short periods of time, and then it was back to the bashing, anger and unstable behaviors. At times I felt helpless, and other times I was so enraged and angry, but I always put my feelings aside to be there for her and advocate for her well-being.

The years took a toll on me, and I spent most of it in “fight or flight” mode until her passing. There were times I wished her dead. I know that sounds so awful to say (but I am honest), but that was where she would push me, on the brink of insanity, and then when I was teetering on that ledge she would push me further. Our relationship was complex and yes Toxic.

I would continually fight for those special moments that were far and few between. Those moments when she had peace and clarity. In those moments we had the best conversations. The most meaningful ones. I craved for those moments and prayed every time I would visit that was the JOANN I would get. I just wanted my mom to be my mom.

I always felt such high anxiety before and during every single visit and never had the opportunity to just be happy being around her. There was always duty. I was actually the parent and caregiver. I never had the luxury of just being her daughter because that always came with a price. I do not even have many pictures of us together because I was always so uptight.

It is unfortunate that mental illness robbed us both of a mother and daughter relationship that we both deserved. It was only after her passing that I was able to weed through the cobwebs and find Joann.

Writing her story, “The Book of Joann”, gave me so many amazing gifts. It gave me the gift of validation and healing, but more importantly it gave me my mother in her entirety. As I wrote her story, I could hear her speaking to me. I felt her next to me as she was guiding me through the process. This writing journey was like no other that I have ever experienced. It was a spiritual calling. What started out as a promise to share her life, turned into something so much bigger.

What I could not have in life, I found in death. That is such a sad and powerful statement.

Life is a funny thing. We all have our dreams and expectations, but the universe had its own plans for all of us.

Interesting piece to all of this. Not only is today the day of her passing, but two year ago on this same day The Book of Joann was published and released out into the world. This was not a planned date for publication, but it is how it came to be. This was not coincidence, but a divine intervention. I believe this was my mother telling me that she is so proud of all the work that I have done, and I gave her the voice that she never had. I share her story everywhere, and she will never be forgotten.

Life for me has come full circle in so many ways. Breaking the silence, writing my own memoir, and then writing Joann’s story. My voice is stronger than ever as I advocate for child safety and mental health. I share both of our stories for purpose, awareness and education. Very important work, in this world that needs so much saving.

LOVE - LOYALTY -TRAUMA all connected by life circumstances and a universe that had its own gameplan.

Today I honor my mother Joann Helen Sabatasso Sega a woman of beauty, tenacity and strong faith. I see alot of myself in her, she gave me the good parts and left out all the rest.

I know she is happy in spirit alongside my brother, father and her family. I am the last piece of our small family unit of 4. We were brought together for very different reasons, but the love line will never be broken.

Stay Gold my beautiful family and know that I love each and every one of you.

Joann is at HER party today. Singing, dancing laughing and smoking her “cigs” as she called them drinking a diet coke. I can see her wearing one of her famous hats, with a broad smile. Her laughter was distinct, and you always knew it was Joann.

I have many emotions today, but when I think of her smililng it makes me smile to.

God Bless & Embrace they Journey

Lisa Zarcone

Author - Child & Mental Health Advocate - Public Speaker - Blogger - Social Media Influencer

The Book of Joann

The Unspoken Truth A Memoir

This was posted on the tenth anniversary of her passing. The day her story was released. January 28, 2024 - The same day that she passed ten years earlier. The number 24 represents her birthday June 24th it all makes sense