When Your Abuser Passes Away - So Many Emotions To Process

HOW DO YOU FEEL & WHAT EMOTIONS REMAIN  

As children growing up in a dysfunctional environment there are many silent and heavy feelings that can become emotional baggage along the streets of life! You carry them with you, trudging forward as you try to keep your head above water.

I will always go back to the beginning because that is where it all begins, our journey in this great big world.  Abuse comes in many shapes and forms, and over the years those dark words and actions weigh heavy on our hearts.  Many of the events in our lives and the daily grind of an unsettled household, sets us up for many road bumps along the way.

There can be unhealthy life choices, lack of trust and communication, etc.!  The list can become endless depending on how much garbage you are carrying on your back.

As you make your way forward feeling like you are succeeding in life, there may come a time when an event can trigger many things inside of you that you thought were long gone and forgotten; can these horrible things really be forgotten or buried in the pile of deceit?

When someone has been abused or traumatized (young or old), those feelings and triggers may appear when you least expect it.

What happens when your abuser dies?  How do you feel about it? Do all those emotions come flooding back in?

The answers to these questions will be different for many people because every situation is unique in its own right.  The experiences are so personal and there are really no right or wrong answers here, it is how you feel, perceive and acknowledge what has happened to you.

The deeper meaning is when you work towards that loaded question “Why?”.

WHY ME….  

This answer can be found on your own healing journey!

I want to share a personal experience with you about something that happened to me a couple of years ago.   I found out that my sexual abuser passed away. This information came to me in the most unexpected way. I was completely caught off guard.

I was sitting at my computer trying to get caught up on all of my emails, as my busy lifestyle has me pulled in many different directions.   All of a sudden, I saw an email from a last name that I knew all too well.  It stopped me dead in my tracks and instantly my body became hot, and I felt this burning sensation from my head to my toes.   My throat began to close a bit as I took in a big gasp of air.    I could not fully process what I was looking at.

I was frozen in time…

As I stared at the screen the email became larger than life as the letters began to grow (PTSD), it almost looking animated as the panic began to set in.  My eyes welled up with tears and these deep emotions came flooding forward to the front of my brain.   All of these instant flashes of memories that I had put to rest (so I thought) so long ago, were right in my face.

Bianca Tressel (change of name) Hello I am the daughter of Jerry Tressel, and I need to speak with you!

This was the heading.

I finally found the courage to click on the email to reveal its contents.   I stared at those words for a very long time.  The daughter of my abuser asking of me, many questions about her father, and seemly knowing much more about me and our story then I would have thought.

The first emotion that came to me, was anger, deep seeded anger.   I wanted to rip through the screen and go on a fit of rage.  As I sat there watching those words dance around taunting me, sadness came in as my inner child was screaming with internal pain.   A picture show danced in my head of the countless acts of hideous abuse that was bestowed on me, so disgusting, dirty and touristic.

I shook myself back into reality, bringing myself to the present.   I then reminded myself “I am OK”.   HE cannot hurt me any longer.  I have the control. I repeated those words out loud, to continue to try and ground myself.

When I regained my composure, I got up and walked away from the computer.   I did not answer this email.   I knew I needed a moment or many moments to process what I was reading.     I allowed two days to go by before I responded.

I rode the roller coaster of every emotion that you could possibly think of as I processed what this young woman was asking of me. I also thought about how she found me.  I am now a married woman with a different last name.  I instantly felt fear that my abuser would somehow stalk me and find me.   These were feelings that I had buried many years ago, after my years of attacks and rapes were behind me, unfortunately the residue of the past filth still remained.   Dark feelings sitting with my inner child holding it so tight never wanting it to escape to the surface.

That one email released the beast!

Now what to do?

I thought of many options, but I came up with the only one that made sense to me.   I will kindly answer this young woman because maybe she needs answers that will help her.  

I responded and the first thing she hits me with is, “My father passed away”.

I was floored.   I did not know how to feel.   So many emotions ran through my body at one time.     Then she went on to say, that he committed suicide 10 years earlier, and he caused much damage before his passing.   I will not go into all of the details of his past with his two wife’s and six children, but let’s just say history repeated itself in many awful ways.

One thing I will say, that truly triggered me more than any of the conversations we had over the next day (via emails) were how he stated to her that he had multiple personalities and one was the devil.   He would recite satanic phrases when he tortured me and called himself different evil names.    This young woman confirmed that he did the same things over the years.

History has repeated itself over and over again.

I wrote my personal memoir “The Unspoken Truth”(Amazon & Barnes and Noble), and I talk in great length about what was done to me growing up, and she wanted to know if the young man I talked about in my book was her father.   She was looking to fill in the pieces of his life and looking for “understanding”.     At that moment I totally got it, and I was kind and compassionate as I told her some of the things that happened to me, and I hoped they helped her come to the realization of his “sickness”.   He was a very sick young man and grew up into a twisted adult.

She went on to tell me that he was abused as a young child, and mental illness ran heavily in the family.     I already knew these things, as my mother was also mentally ill. Unfortunately, my mom had a connection with my abuser through their mania.  They fed off of each other’s sickness.

As I shared with her, I began to feel this release.   In my heart, I knew by offering kindness instead of anger was the right thing to do in this situation.  It was not this young girl’s fault that her father was a monster.  His abusive ways carried on to the next generation of children, who have all been damaged by his illness. This is such a very sad realization.

Has his death broken the cycle?   

My feeling is NO. 

The damage has been done, but I hope that by his passing away, it will give his families next generation a chance to overcome it all.    I hope so and pray for healing!

As for me, and my feelings about his death.   

I am not going to lie and say I felt bad, because I did not.  I feel that his death ended his cycle of abuse, and his reign of terror is physically over.   The mental residue left on all that were affected by him will remain until each individual takes that healing journey.    Some of us will get there, and others will not.  That is the ugly truth.

I can say I feel bad that so many people were damaged along the way, and I hope my abusers twisted soul can find redemption and peace.    As I have reflected back on my own life and the misery and damage that he personally caused me, I can only say that he was a damaged little boy that grew up into an angry young man, with the genetics that enhanced his rage.   He grew up with abuse and dysfunction, and because of that – his life turned into a feeding ground of terror claiming his power at the expense of the innocent victims; myself included.

For anyone who is reading this today and has experienced abuse I ask you to find the courage to take out that inner child and allow them to heal once and for all.

I have taken this healing journey and what an emotional ride it has been, but it has also been the most exhilarating experience.

I learned how to look through the eyes of others to see and understand their journey.  By doing so, that helped me find closure, validation and a true understanding about how things can fall apart. The domino effect of abuse definitely rolls downhill quickly.

I am now FREE. I am proud of the personal work that I did to get here, and I always hope and pray by sharing my stories, that other people will find the same freedom as I did.

Let the healing journey begin.

Embrace the Journey,

God Bless,

Lisa Zarcone

Author/Child & Mental Health Advocate/Public Speaker/Blogger/Inspirationalist/Social Medial Influencer

The Unspoken Truth A Memoir – A Child’s Story – An Adults Journey Towards Healing