What is Forgiveness And How Do We Get There? What Does That Journey Look Like?

What Is Forgiveness?

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Just as important as defining what forgiveness is, though, is understanding what forgiveness is not.

Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.

Instead, forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.

I looked up what forgiveness means, and out of everything I have read, this above statement makes the most sense.

I would first like to say that forgiveness is a very personal and unique experience for each and every person who decides to travel down this road.

There are so many variables and scenarios as too what can bring a person to such points of pain, anger, disappointment, loss and damage, that there are no simple answers to this loaded question –

“Are you willing to forgive the person/people who hurt you?”

I have spoken about this topic many times during podcast interviews, workshops and presentations. I am always very aware of the wide range of responses that I will receive as I dig into this very “touchy” conversation.

For many people, they seem to find reasoning and understanding about the benefits of forgiveness, and what that can do for their own personal well-being.  The thought of finally letting go of the anger and pain is an enticing feeling that draws people into that direction.  There are also people who are so deeply wounded, that they are not willing to let it go. Again, personal choice.

If you make the choice to go down that path, does that mean the road towards forgiveness is easy, once you decide it is something you’re willing to try?  The answer is a big NO!

How can it be easy, when the person who is struggling has held onto that pain for so long.  It does not go away in a moment because you decided to say the words out loud.

This process of forgiveness takes a lot of self-work and self-care, because there will be many tears shed on that path towards freedom.

I speak from personal experience, as I did choose to travel down this road after years of abuse. I lived in silence for far to long, and that internal battle of the wills almost killed me. Living in two worlds at the same time is mentally and physically exhausting. It actually changed who I was as a person, and stunted me in who I aspired to be.

All of that pain, anger and damage took over my life as it beat me down every single day until I couldn’t move anymore.  I was literally stuck in time feeling like there was no way out as I sunk deeper into the rabbit hole.

I had to make that decision, do I step forward and work on myself and truly look at the damaged wall inside my soul, or do I stay in the muck!

I chose freedom. I was tired of my past ruling my life, and I was distraught looking at the person in the mirror that was not truly me.

I decided I was going to fight for myself, and work towards overcoming these enormous obstacles in my way. I went down that path extremely terrified as I looked at the pain all around me.  

Imagine walking in the woods at night with darkness all around you, but you can see these clouded images in the trees, grass and sky.  That over-whelming feeling of terror to take another step forward into the unknown.

That is how it feels at the beginning of the journey for many people.  That is how I felt, but the idea of finding understanding, validation and freedom gave me the courage to push through that forest and find the light. It took many years, and many stages, but I made it.

I would like to share about something that I did to find forgiveness towards my abusers. I had more than one abuser (my parents), and the second abuser was a young man who abused me not only physically and mentally but sexually.  

I decided to work through the pain that my parents bestowed upon me.  First of all, let me state that I loved my parents in spite of all that happened to us and our family, but the pain did run very deep.  My mother suffered from mental illness, we lost my brother to Leukemia and my father couldn’t bear the pain of losing his wife and son at the same time, so he eventually left us.   I was left alone with my very ill mother and that is when the abuse hit hard, and for many years, even into adulthood.

During my work in therapy, I found validation, reasoning and understanding as to why everything fell apart.  I learned a lot about how I wasn’t meant to be the target, but as things became distorted and messy, I was left alone flailing in the breeze so to speak.   Those feelings of abandonment were the hardest to work through because I could not grasp how I could be left and forgotten.  Again, lots of tears and self-work.

I did three separate stints in therapy, and during each period in time, I learned how to heal.  It all came in stages.   

Then I did a very courageous thing, and decided to look through the eyes of my parents.  I walked their path through life individually.  It was there that I saw how it truly fell apart and it was there that I found the reasoning behind the abuse.  

I always knew my parents loved me, but I also felt their pain as I looked at it from their perspective.   Was I left behind, YES, unfortunately I was, and no child should ever have to endure such horrendous things like I did.  

It was through feeling their pain, that I found forgiveness for each one of them.   I believe that my love for my parents was a factor for me, because I didn’t want to let my parents go.  I wanted to find a way to have a positive relationship with each one of them the best that I could.

I am proud to say that I achieved that. I did have to let a lot of things go, many, many hard things, but by doing so I was able to find peace and joy along my path until they both passed away. I miss them both for very different reasons.

As for my sexual abuser, it was much harder to walk down his path.  It was very painful to look at what he did to me, and then look at his life and what brought him to the point of abusing me in such a way.    I can say that I felt empathy for his upbringing and the personal abuse he suffered.  I also knew he was mentally ill like my mother, and he was a loaded gun waiting to go off in many dark directions. 

Unfortunately, I was his target and he unleashed his personal pain onto me.   That vicious cycle!     So, the question here is, “Did I find forgiveness for this sick twisted individual”?   I can honestly say NO.  I found understand of why he was the way that he was, and I found empathy of the abuse he endured, but to know that he went on to damage other people along the way until his untimely death by suicide, still makes my stomach turn. I could not find forgiveness, but I was able to finally release all of that pain he caused me, because I was able to put a reason behind all of it.

When I heard of his passing, there were many mixed emotions, but I did pray for his damaged soul.

So, you see, “forgiveness” is a broad term that can go in many directions.   Again, each situation is different.  To say to someone, “Forgive, and just let it go!”, is not what people who are struggling need to hear.

What they need to hear is this –

I am sorry for all that you have been through, and I hope you can find a place of forgiveness that you can offer yourself.   By doing so, you can release some of that pain and anger.   If you decide to take that journey, remember to be kind to yourself along the way and take it in stages.    At the end of the day forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself so you can finally be free to live your life with happiness.

I call it “Taming the Beast”!

Once you take back the control, new levels of healing can begin.  You can finally move forward and break those concrete shoes that have held you back for so long.

As always, I share my stories and experiences for purpose, because I know when people read them, they connect.    We walk together, moving forward helping others along that dark road and offer them light.

There is a lot to think about when it comes to forgiveness, and this is my perspective.

Food for Thought.

Embrace the Journey,

God Bless

Lisa Zarcone

2023 Woman of Impact - I am a voice

Author – Public Speaker – Child & Mental Health Advocate

Social Media Influencer – Blogger

Massachusetts National Ambassador for Naasca

(National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse)