NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION MONTH – Sharing A Piece of My Personal Story – When I Wanted To Die At The Age Of 13
September is National Suicide Prevention Month - I always say we should be aware of the people around us 365 days a year, and be a helping hand whenever possible. Let’s look at our youth, they are struggling profusely with self-esteem, acceptance, isolation (due to pandemic), bullying, and dysfunctional & abusive environments. For the adults, much of our childhood baggage seemingly flows over into our adult lives! There are countless reasons someone may be struggling. We can add in mental health, that is a big one!! The reality is not enough people are talking about it. Mental Health and Child Abuse are still very big “taboo” subjects, and we need to BREAK THE SILENCE once and for all. The only way we can make changes happen and help those in need is by “talking about it”.
LOOKING AT THE BIGGER PICTURE!
I am going to share a small excerpt from my book “The Unspoken Truth A Memoir”, and this will give you a peak into the world of a damaged young girl feeling helpless, alone and like dirt under someone’s shoe. YES, that was me at the tender age of 13.
I wrote my story through the eyes of a child, so the reader would get a first-hand view of how a child/young adult feels – right in the moment! My story is raw, real and extremely profound. The sad part is, that as you are reading this story, there are countless kids out there feeling the exact same way that I did back then. Think about it - How many young adults are contemplating suicide at this very moment? How many are going to succeed in ending their lives right now? The numbers are staggering.
As you read this piece of my story, try imagining that you are that young girl who has been through so much trauma and abuse. A young girl damaged by the mental illness of her mother, loss of her brother, neglect of family and sexual abuse from a young man.
Walk in her shoes…
CHAPTER 5 - The Beast Within - The Unspoken Truth A Memoir
The thoughts of Lisa… I can say this, with each and every moment of abuse, it made me feel dirtier, darker and zombie like. I was going through my days numb to the world around me. How could no one see this I would think to myself sometimes? I do not even know who I am anymore. I am lost, alone feeling dead inside, and at the same time my insides are screaming for help so deafening that I cannot think. Why can’t anyone see this happening to me? Everyone close to us at this point knows my mom is totally incompetent. They know Jerry (my sexual abuser) is at our house every day, and then, there are the visible bruises that I have. Why would everyone turn a blind eye to this nightmare I am living? Am I that worthless to the world, non-important non-existent?
Those were the thoughts that would scream through my brain day in and day out. This negative dark force placed inside my soul, was so loud I would want to smash myself in the head with a rock and end the torment. One day I woke up and hit my breaking point. I just had enough I could not take another moment of this existence, so decided I would just end it myself.
Here were my thoughts….
I would go up to the lake near my house, and jump off at the waterfall, hit the rocks and it will be done and over with! I thought about it for a little while, and the thought of not suffering anymore sounded so wonderful and peaceful to me. The thought of my brother waiting for me was so inviting. He would take my hand and lead me home to a place where nobody can ever reach me, a place where I would truly be safe.
I am now on a mission. My mind set was focused on ending it all. I leave the house and go. I do not remember my walk up to the lake, that was foggy and distorted, but I am now standing there at the top of this wall with all these thoughts going through my head, and the tears start flowing. I am this skinny little girl with big blue sad eyes wanting to end it all, but funny thing standing there alone in that moment I felt like someone or something was saying NO WAIT STOP this is not the answer, don’t do it. I heard these words loud and clear! ECHOING OVER AND OVER!!!! Everything then seemed fuzzy, and in slow motion like I was floating in a bubble. Imagine the silence in that bubble for a moment floating endlessly with a seemingly steady hum, like a bee buzzing along, hmmmmm bzzzzzzzzzzz ohmmm. Twisting and turning over and over everything blurred, then POP!!!!
All of a sudden there was my mom standing at the bottom of the falls near the road screaming at me to get down at once. She had her cigarette in hand, crazy eyes, and hair teased up on end. Dressed in her classic tube top and shorts with her big clunky high-heeled shoes, with that bold red lipstick glaring in the sun. Watching her mouth move was like watching a 3-D movie those red lips coming at me louder and louder. What a site she was, and I was like what the hell, how did she know I was here, and what I was doing?
She kept on screaming, “Don’t jump get down right now, do you hear me!” Ohh, I did hear her loud and clear, so I came down, baffled at the thought of her being aware enough in that moment to know what I was going to do. She has been in a world of her own for so long, and here it is a moment of clarity at the last seconds that I want to end my life? I was more confused than ever. As I walked towards her, she was ranting and raving like a lunatic, hands waving in the air. She grabbed me by the arm, squeezing me so tight, literally dragging me along as we walked home. She continued to yell at me for being stupid, foolish and any other name she could think of. Once we hit the steps of the house, there was instant silence, like someone flipped a switch.
It was like she went back into mechanical mode, and that glazed over look came back on her face, her eyes were DEAD. You can only imagine what I was thinking? OK, all that yelling making a scene, and then silence once again. Madness, pure madness! It was never discussed again, and along comes Jerry. Another horrible day finishes out. PROFOUND RIGHT?
Yes, this was my life right in the moment! This incident was never spoken of again and the damaged continued. I thought about dying a few more times along that rocky road I was traveling. I am so grateful that I never followed through.
So many young adults now gone, never being able to full-fill their destiny because of that horrendous “SILENCE”. That needs to change!
If you, or someone you know is struggling; please reach out for help. There is always a way. I found one and so can you. I personally know it is not easy, but it is obtainable. I fought long and hard for my sanity, freedom and peace, and I know you “the person struggling” can get there too. Ask for Help!!!
Also, if you are trying to support someone who is struggling, you can call these numbers for help and advice. There are also local Mental Health Programs in all states, you can reach out there.
Give someone a life line.
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE: 1-800-273-8255
OR TEXT THE CSA CRISISTEXTLINE.ORG/TEXTLINE at 741741 all you have to do is text “HELLO” and someone will answer. This line is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week. PLEASE do not give up. There is HOPE.
NAMI - National Alliance of Mental Illness
Help line -- 1-800 950-6264 M-F 10am to 8 pm (est)
Text Line 24 hrs - 741741 – text NAMI and someone will answer
MHA - Mental Health Association
www.MHAinc.org #bethere
There is always a way, please look for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Embrace the Journey,
God Bless
Lisa Zarcone
Author – The Unspoken Truth A Memoir
MA National Ambassador for NAASCA (National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse)
2021 MA Heroine Award Recipient - MA Commission on the Status of Women
Public Speaker
Child & Mental Health Advocate
Blogger
Child Abuse Survivor
Inspirationalist
