DARVO - (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)

is a manipulation tactic used by perpetrators - often in cases of abuse or when held accountable - to evade responsibility. The perpetrator denies wrongdoing, attacks the accuser for challenging them and flips the narrative to portray themselves as the victim.

This tactic is frequently used by individuals with narcissistic traits to avoid accountability and maintain a facade of innocence, often making the victims feel, or appear, like the offender. It is frequently observed in intimate partner violence and sexual harassment cases.

Psychological abuse is an integral part of the strategies used by an abuser to exert power in an intimate relationship. These are strategies in which the abuser targets different components of a person’s identity and psychological health: self-confidence self-esteem, self-image, perceptions, emotions, thoughts, dignity, clear thinking and mental health.

This is how the abuser destabilizes the victim as he/she weakens them to their very core as they work towards gaining ultimate control. It all starts out with the “love bombing” in the beginning of the relationship, showering their partner with ultimate attention, and then it slowly turns to “Gaslighting & Lies”. They do it in such a gradual way that many do not even realize it until they are in way too deep.

The emotional manapulation will leave one feeling unsure in their own thoughts and actings, as they question themselves, and start to make excuses for their partner’s bad behaviors. This is when the breakdown really begins because now their thoughts are becoming cloudy, and the self-blame starts to set in.

Example: Oh, if I didn’t say that they wouldn’t be mad at me. I should have remained quiet or done things differently”. “It is all my fault that this is happening I need to do better and be better”. “I need to be more attentive and giving”.

The victim is now thinking that they are the bad person in this relationship, and they need to completely change to keep their partner happy. The abuser is now playing the victim over and over again, as they gain ultimate control relishing in the power. The “I am the almighty” affect. For the perpetrator it is like a drug, the adrenaline rush as they plot and plan every single move, wanting more and trying to take everything that they can.

The mind of a narcissist never rests. They are thinking 24/7 and calculating every move to maintain control. They will stop at nothing to continue the facade. Now with all of the technology that we have at our fingertips, abuser will even branch out to social media to gain more sympathy for their fictious story lines.

Another tactic that they will use is NEGGING:

Negging means disguising an insult or criticism in a statement that appears on the surface to be a compliment. This tactic is used to make the victim start to doubt themselves. Negging will often lead to a negative reaction from the victim towards the abuser, who will then have an opportunity to invalidate them and question their interpretation of the facts. (I’m being super nice, always complimenting you, and you freak out - you're the mean one in this relationship).

Again - playing the victim.

Then the abuser will add in other tactics such as giving the “cold shoulder” and “social restrictions”. They want to isolate their victim putting a wedge between their social circles - family, friends, co-workers. This is when the victim goes into silence mode. They start to make all kinds of excuses for their abuser, even defending them to the max. The victim starts to become distant an angry with the very people who are trying to help them. The Narcissist is a sly fox sitting back, watching the show as the victim unravels.

This is when they go in for the ultimate tactic, which is “Sleep Deprivation

An abuser may deliberately deprive the victim of sleep, with the aim of making then every more vulnerable. The abuser may startle them awake just as they are about to fall asleep, picking a fight and causing dysfunction. the victim loses stamina and finds themselves greatly weakened both physically and mentally.

Once the victim is riding on low battery, that is when the abuser completely takes control of all aspects of their partner’s life turning it into a three-ring circus, with all of these repeated cycles and tactics to keep them dazed and confused. This can go on for years upon years, unless they find a way out.

Many victims stay in the relationship because they have been so beaten down, that they do not have the energy to fight back. The road towards freedom is long, treacherous, and emotionally draining. Once the victim finds the courage to leave, it is not the end; it is the beginning.

When the abuser loses control, it will set them in motion to heighten their tactics to reel someone back in. They will go to great lengths which may include, harassment, destruction of property and physical violence. They will also heckle the victim by calling them disgusting and degrading names and create fake stories to try to get that “important sympathy” from other people. It could take years just to finally break completely free from this type of abuse.

When stepping into a new relationship, you must be willing to keep an open mind, and if you are seeing the signs question them early on, before you are in too deep. Also remember not all abusers are Men, because Women are abusers as well.

In Domestic Violence statistics you will see that the numbers for male abusers are higher than women, but that is not completely accurate because not all men disclose abuse about a women that they are in a relationship with. This could be out of embarrassment because this touches upon the subject of “ego”.

If you are seeing signs of abuse in a relationship of someone that you know, please do not look away or ignore it. Gently ask the questions and be there for the person who is struggling. It may feel awkward or difficult at times, especially when the victim is protecting the abuser, but do not give up on them. They will need your help down the road.

The Narcissist will never admit to anything that they have done and will remain in “victim mode” no matter what transpires. The forever victim they will be as they seek out their next conquest.

It is deceitful game that they play, so always be AWARE.

Lisa Zarcone

Author - Child & Mental Health Advocate - Public Speaker - Blogger - Social Media Influencer

Domestic Abuse Hot Line - 1-800-799-7233 or Text BEGIN to 99788

Suicide Prevention Hot Line - 988 - or text 988

Remember - you are not alone there is always a way out.