From Little Girl Lost to Fierce Advocate - When Life Comes Full Circle

From Little Girl Lost to Fierce Advocate

We come into this world thrust into the unknown, as the lights become bright and we take our first breath.  All we know in this moment, is that we need love, safety and security.  The innocence of a baby seeking the voices that they heard for so long. 

A young child filled with exuberant energy looking to shine bright for all to see, but what happens when that light is stunted by the darkness of abuse and neglect?

When I think back to my earliest memories of childhood I feel such sense of insecurity, instability and a deep sense of sadness.  The first voice that I heard inside the womb became my abuser.  The love that I was seeking turned cold and dark as mental illness took its toll on our entire family.

My mother, Joann, was a strong charismatic woman filled with a splash faith and tenacity.  She never imagined that she would turn into someone filled with so much sickness, turning her against the children she loved and longed for her whole life.   Mental Illness is an unforgiving beast.

After the loss of my brother at the age of nine from Leukemia and me at the age of six years old; my world turned dark.   My parents could not handle the loss of their only son, and that left me in a state of limbo as I call it “the invisible child”, lost in the shuffle of grief, anger and great sorrow.

Life moved forward quickly and as my father continued to run from our home, and my mother turned her attention towards me the innocent victim in this game called LIFE.   It was a great time of darkness as the abuse started out emotional, mental and then physical.  I was living in what I called the house of horror, as I never knew what was going to happen next, leaving me in a state of uncertainty and confusion.

My mother’s mental illness continued to fester, brewing over into all aspects of her life, which included socializing and seeking out unstable people just like her.  She would bring them into our home and I was preyed upon until I was eventually sexually abused.  The length of my abuse went on for years, and it was horrific, hideous, and disgusting.

I hit a point in my young life at the tender age of thirteen, and thought deeply of suicide.  There was a game plan and I was ready to set it all in motion.  On that fateful day I made my way up to this lake near our home and climbed up to the top of a waterfall.  My plan was to jump, hit the rocks and go home into the safe loving arms of my brother.  With tears in my eyes, I felt the only way out of this abuse was to die.

Standing there, everything became animated and felt like I was in slow motion.  I was dizzy as the cool mist was hitting my face, and then I began to lift my foot off of the edge, but in that moment, I heard a voice loud and clear “WAIT – STOP – THIS IS NOT THE ANSWER”.  I was so shocked, that I was shaken back into reality and put my foot back on the ledge.   I looked around and nobody was there.  I felt the essence of my brother speaking to me for beyond.

In life he was my best friend, my protector from my mother and the best big brother a girl could ever ask for.  In spirit he was my guardian angel who showed up for me countless times throughout my life.

From that day forward I decided that I would change course and fight for myself.  I vowed that I would find a way to get away from the abusive lifestyle I was forced to live in.   It was a long hard road towards freedom, and I endured so much more abuse before it was finally over, and then it truly wasn’t over for me. 

I had many obstacles to overcome.  First of all, I kept everything that happened to me silent for years. Nobody knew the true extent of my abuse, not even my husband.  Second, I was still dealing with my mother’s abuse even as a grown married woman with children.  Being Joann’s advocate proved quite challenging and the years of abuse took their toll on me.

When I finally decided it was time to break the silence, it was an era of complete chaos in my life as I was living in two worlds at once.  I was trying to be a good wife, mother of my three young children, and still support my mother.   I was also battling flash backs, nightmares, panic attacks and depression.

That word “Depression” scared me more than anything, because the last thing that I wanted was to be anything like my mother!  I was broken on all levels, and knew it was time to face my past.  It was time to “Tame the Beast”.  This is the name that I called my trauma.   The Beast!

Off to therapy I went, and as I sat in that office the sweat was dripping down my back as my face became flush.  I was so sick to my stomach, and then all of a sudden it came out.  The years of my silence exploded as pandoras box opened up.   The words that I could never say out loud were spewing like the filth that they were.  I was hearing my own voice saying things that I never imagined that I could say.   It was horrific to hear my own story, but so empowering at the same time.    I broke the SILENCE.   As I wept for that little girl lost, my therapist comforted me and stated that I was so filled with strength and resilience.  He had never seen anything like it before, and was in awe of my determination to survive.

This was the beginning of my healing journey that came in many many stages, and years of battling the beast that almost claimed my young life.  Every time I shared my stories, I became stronger, more confident and lighter.  My mood eventually shifted from unstable and dark, to grounded, filled with light. I gained clarity.

Fast forward through ten years plus of self-work, I knew I needed to do more.  I cannot just share such a profound story and leave it sitting there.  It was time to turn pain into purpose.  That is when The Unspoken Truth a Memoir came to be. Writing my personal story was another level of healing.  This story is written from the child’s perspective.  I wanted to do something different, so I tapped into my deepest childhood memories and wrote it through the eyes of a child.  This is not a story of an adult reflecting and looking back, NO, this is BAM right in your face! 

My life experiences, written in the moments of the worst abuse that I had to horrendously endure.  I left my story in the rawest fashion, taking a lot of criticism for doing so.  It is raw, profound and a choppy read, which speaks volumes to the damaged mind of an abused child.  The cloudy vision, which I own 110 percent.  I stand strongly in my “Unspoken Truth”.

My purpose was to show the readers what a child actually thinks and feels right in the moment.   I am so proud to say, that I have accomplished my goals and this story has traveled the world. 

We are all connected by circumstance, and when we share authentically, people do stop and listen.   From this point forward becoming a first-time author, life began to change for me.  I went on to become a public speaker and fierce advocate for child abuse and mental health.  I finally found my purpose, and know with all of my heart that this is what I was always meant to do.  Helping people know that they are not alone in their struggles, and showing them healing is possible with a lot of support, hard work and determination. 

I can confidently say that I am whole once again. Maybe I have a few dents and bruise, but I am healed. I even went on to write my second book, “The Book of Joann”.  This is a complete novel as I share her life story from birth to death and everything in between showcasing our complex relationship as mother and daughter.  Joann battled mental illness like a vigilant warrior and I always promised her that I would give her a voice, and that is what I did.  I share both powerful stories for purpose, awareness and education.

Now it is time to turn around, extend a helping hand and pay it forward.   Every day I wake up and think about how can I positively impact the world.  It may sound cheeky or cliché’, but it is the honest truth.  Anyone who follows me on social media can attest to this statement.

At this time in my life, I am also:

The Massachusetts National Ambassador for Naasca (National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse)

CASA ADVOCATE (Court Appoint Special Advocate for youth in the judicial system)

Public Speaker – Blogger – Social Media Influencer - Author

We all have a story and this the condensed version of mine. If you want to read my story The Unspoken Truth a Memoir or my mother’s story The Book of Joann, please visit my website www.lisazarcone.net the links to both of my books are available there.

I always give a trigger warning - if you decide to read my story it is raw and graphic at times due to the sexual abuse.

I will leave you with my motto – Embrace the Journey

You never know what life will throw in your path, so be strong, determined and ready to face all of the challenges.

Life Warriors

God Bless,

Lisa Zarcone

Survivor thriving in Life