The Predator's Dance Towards Control - Trigger Warning
Victims come in all shapes and sizes, but the one thing that they all have in common is they were preyed upon. YES, stalked, picked from a pool of the many children at risk. The abuser callously roams around seeing where he/she can make a move. Then it is “Eye on the Prize” as the anticipation screams inside their soul waiting for that precise moment to pounce!
The adrenaline rushes as they study the victim from head to toe, seeing what will frighten them into submission. This dirty dance inside the head of the abuser runs like a picture show, repeatedly; as they plot every single moment.
In broad day light in the daily grind of life they are traveling the same path, studying everyone’s schedules, likes, dislikes and weaknesses. It is a game, and the dance become a sick waltz towards what was never meant to be. Like a thief in the night claiming the innocence of a child or young adult robbing them of their innocence never to be returned. It is like a death, a sick feeling of mourning oneself without even understand the feelings. The young mind does not process like adults so the mixed emotions, shame, fear, confusion sets in as there is no where to turn. They are trapped on every level. The abuser found that exact moment to claim a prize that was never to be taken.
My abuser did exactly this! He came in surveyed the scene and decided I was his prize. I was young and already damaged by the loss of a brother, a mentally ill mother and nobody to protect me. I was a prime target. I was already a damaged confused little girl, and he knew exactly what he was doing. He made his way into my home by striking up a friendship with my sick mother. He told me from day one that I was going to be his girlfriend I had NO choice! I was sickened by the sight of him and his controlling words. He studied me and knew my weaknesses. I was about 13 years old, innocent and clueless as what was to come. He wore me down by first figuring out my worst fear. That was being afraid of the dark. Darkness scared me for many reasons, as bad things happen in the darkness of the night. To gain control of me, if I did not do what he said he would drag me into my bathroom and hold the door shut. The light switch was on the outside of the room and he would turn the light out and not let me out. This was a huge trigger for me “darkness” and I would go crazy. I would scream, cry, hyperventilate and have flash backs. I could hear his warped laughter outside the door as he cursed and chanted what sounded like demonic verses, cursing me every step of the way. As I lay on the cold dark floor sobbing he would open the door and just laugh calling me a pathetic piece of shit, reminding me I was worthless to the world and the only person that would could ever help me was him!
My mother was in the other room blaring her music, sitting on the couch smoking, crying, talking to herself oblivious of what was taking place. He knew what to do, and when to do it!!!
YOU see… They study, they see, they calculate, and that is how they get away with it.
I was broken on every level from my past before him, and what he did to me from that point forward was hideous. He took control and the more control he had, the more powerful he felt. He would tell me he would make the decision as to whether I would live or die! He would threaten to kill my family!
This is the dirty dance of a predator!
It took me years to work through this abuse as some of it was so damaging I could not speak of it for years. My UNSPOKEN TRUTH… The beatings, the torture, the rape all too brutal to let flow from my lips. The flashbacks were unmerciful, and I had to take it all in stages, to face it, get beyond it and finally heal.
To this day I still cannot sleep in darkness. I need some type of light - my forever security blanket that shines like my battle scars of the past. I do have quirks and triggers that will always stay with me, but the difference now is that I understand them. I work with them not against them.
For anyone who has been abused, I am sorry! I say that because I know the hard road you have traveled and what will come when you decide to work towards healing. It can be painful, daunting, exhausting but so worth the battle!
You are worthy of wonderful things in your world. As you get strong and start to raise your voice, this freedom will wash over you and you will never be silenced again. You stand victorious as the abuser does not get to win the game. The dirty dance will finally be over. You have the ability to change everything with your VOICE!! So, stand tall and proud. Take your place as a Life Warrior as you slay the beast one and for all.
May God Bless you as you, “ Embrace the Journey.”
Life Warrior/Survivor/Thriving on Life
Advocate/Author - The Unspoken Truth A Memoir