Breaking The Silence in Safe Spaces – Overcoming Abuse and Trauma - The Journey
Breaking The Silence In Safe Spaces – Overcoming Abuse and Trauma YES!
When I look back to where it all began.
My journey in writing my personal memoir and breaking the silence of all the abuse that I endured, just thinking about it, sometimes takes my breath away. With a big deep breath, it is time to take that leap of faith and do what I was always meant to do. It is a calling to share my story for purpose, awareness and education. Being a strong advocate for child safety and mental health has been a big part of my healing experience.
Reflecting on my first moments in therapy. Powerful and Profound.
I was overwhelmingly terrified. The day had come when I was finally disclosing my abuse for the first time and hearing those “dirty” words roll from my lips, not feeling quite sure if any sounds would actually come out because I had held it silent for years. The anticipation of hearing my own voice made me feel so weak and frail. There were instant flashbacks of being a young child standing in the darkness. The words and sounds of my past were coming at me like a demon of the night. Closing my eyes in terror and wincing at the sight of this insidious beast made me feel so small. I want him to go away, but something within me pulls him closer. Now is the time to speak!
As the words flew off my tongue, my ears were ringing with validation of all that I had been through. Speaking those words to a therapist for the first time can be described as overwhelming, shocking, powerful and validating. The silence is finally over, and the healing journey can begin.
This should be a state of celebration, but it is not. It is a state of mourning, reflecting, overcoming and then healing. The journey is long and hard with countless tears, fits of anger and deep depression.
How could this have happened to me? That was the question. Where I found all of my answers was in my healing process. As I peeled back the layers, the answers began to appear. I was finally on my way.
The year was 1996 when I stepped into my therapist's office for the first time. We did amazing work together, which spanned over the next few years. When I moved to a different town, we parted ways with a promise that therapy was a valuable tool, and one that should always be welcomed. During the next ten years or so life presented many challenges and it was time to embark on therapy once again. It was during this time that I started writing my story. My therapist always asked me to write down pieces of my life, and share them with him. Eager to do the work, and feeling such a connection to those words on paper, this strong and profound story came to life.
January 14, 2017
When “The Unspoken Truth, A Memoir,” was released on October 7, 2016, the whole world was introduced to this little girl lost in the dark, who miraculously found her way. NO more silence!
It was very difficult to share my story at first, because all that was hidden is now exposed. It is like pulling off the Band-Aid on a cut that has not fully healed. The fresh air hits it with a burning sensation and tingling. That is exactly how I felt when it all began.
Deciding to take the bold steps to arrange my first author talk was a welcomed challenge too. Thinking deeply on what to say and where to say it first. The only decision that made sense to me was to start at the beginning by returning to speak at the library in my home town in West Haven, CT. It was perfect. I loved it there as a kid. I didn’t just love reading, it was an escape into stories which helped me forget about my trauma, if only for a little while.
I contacted the library and they welcomed me with open arms. We agreed on a date, and everything was arranged. I thought, “There is no turning back now." The next step was to prepare and plan a meticulous presentation, and as the date got closer, my nerves began to really kick-in. I questioned everything. Do I step back in time, and go to the very place where all of the abuse happened? Do I stand before a crowd of people whom I have known my whole life, and speak my truths? How will they receive me? Will I be rejected once again? So many people along my journey in life never knew the reality of what I was going through. How could they? I’d remained silent! Then I thought, what about the people who did know and did nothing about it, how will they feel? So many burning questions.
On the day of my author talk, I traveled to CT with my husband, daughter and son-in-law by my side. As we were driving and everyone was chattering and laughing along the way, my mind was wandering. So many old memories came flooding back. It felt like some of my PTSD issues were rising to the surface as I was reliving some flashbacks inside of my mind; staring blankly out of the window. Taking it all in was a struggle, absorbing each and every experience of my past.
When we pulled into the parking lot, I snapped back into reality. It was show-time. With a big deep breath, I nodded my head and stepped out of the car. Feeling this rush of wind pass over me, like a cleansing, I took in another deep breath stating, “I am home.” Standing strong and ready to face my past, now willing to share my story; it was time to break that unbearable silence once and for all. I was ready to let everyone know my Unspoken Truth.
Stepping inside of the library for the first time in so many years was nostalgic for me, as some happy memories came flooding back into my mind. Looking around, it was all the same. It really was like stepping back in time, very fitting for the occasion.
We all went into the conference room and set up all of my books, as well as other items I brought with me. Next, it was time to take my walk to the front of the room as I carried my presentation with me, and my personal copy of my story. As I stood there looking out at the empty chairs, I wondered how many people would actually come to hear me speak. I had never spoken publicly before. It was certainly a lot to take in, but as I stood there, I imagined how it would go, and the thought of holding my book in my hands was comforting to me.
My TRUTH
I went to the back of the room and waited for the doors to open. When they finally did, I was shocked at the amount of people who came to see me. My old neighbors, high school friends and even my elementary school secretary showed up. Also, my babysitter, and friends of my parents. Even my best friend and her mom made the long journey down from Massachusetts to support me, and there were people who I have never met before until that day.
What was very apparent to me was that my close family members were not in attendance. The truth that set me free, exposed them, and that did not sit well.
When it was time to start, I was shaking from the inside, but I smiled at people as I walked forward to the front of the room. It was show time. I had my back to the audience for a few moments. I took a second to sip water and thought, “It is now or never."
As I turned around and walked to the podium, I realized that I made it.
In front of a room with 60-plus people I shared my story publicly for the first time. I read excerpts from my book, and shared different stories that were all part of my life path. I was animated at times, especially when I was talking about my mother, because she was a wild card for sure. People laughed with me, cried with me and were completely moved by my story. When it all came to an end the applause was amazing. I smiled brightly and waved at everyone.
My husband and daughter stated, “A public speaker was born today."
I made my way over to the table as people lined up to buy my book and have me sign them. I was amazed at the outpouring love and support that I received on that day. It was like a whirlwind as I wrote special notes in the books, and took photographs with people.
Many people hugged me tight and were shocked at all that I had been through. So many stories were told that day, from all of the people that I had been connected to throughout my life. It was such a powerful moment in time.
As the crowds were finally dying down, and I was having some last bits of conversations with people, an old friend of mine from high school approached me with her mother. She stated that her mother really wanted to come and talk to me today.
As the three of us stood there, her mother took my hands with tears in her eyes. She looked at me, her soulful eyes filled with much pain. She said that because I had the courage and strength to share my story, she wanted to share her story with me. In that very room she told me about her abuse as a child and how she had never spoken of it to anyone, not even her husband. As her daughter stood there shocked, she spoke her truth. This beautiful woman in her late 70s held her story silently for all these years. As we cried together, she smiled at me and thanked me for giving her a safe place to share her story. I was blown away to think that by me sharing my story, she was able to share hers. I was so profoundly humbled by this experience.
Her daughter looked at me and said, “We never knew." I hugged her and said, “Well, now you know, and your mom can finally heal." Powerful Moment. We all chatted for a bit longer, and when they were leaving, she turned to me and said, “I know your parents are very proud of you." I smiled as tears streamed down my face. I felt the essence of my “spirit family” standing with me at that moment. You see, I lost my brother and best friend, Jon, at the age of nine; I was six. It marked the beginning of the complete downward spiral of my family unit.
I lost both of my parents before my story was published. Even though I was standing alone while they walked away; I wasn’t. Because I felt my parents and brother's spirit standing with me. This was a moment that I will never forget, as I was overcome with such deep emotions as chills were sent through my whole body.
Stepping forward from that day, and this amazing experience I realized that part of my work needed to be creating a safe environment for people to come forward and disclose their abuse and trauma.
I want people to feel safe and comfortable as they find the courage to break the silence.
I remember back when I was a young teen and I was trying to share with my uncle about the abuse that was happening to me. It took great courage for me to even think about saying those hideous words out loud, but I needed help and this was my first attempt at doing so. At the time I was around 14 years old. As I fuddled with my words over and over again, he looked annoyed with me. I felt uncomfortable and was second guessing myself. Should I say the words out loud? Will he believe me? Maybe I should remain silent. Those were the thoughts that were going through my mind as I made small talk.
When I finally decided to say it out loud, I was met with resistance and a big brick wall of anger. He looked me in the eye and said to me, “What do you want me to do about it”? “What are you really saying to me, because this is not my problem or responsibility." I just looked at him as my heart sank into my stomach. Tears welled up in my eyes, which frustrated him further and he got up and left. I got zero empathy or compassion for my bravery. It made me feel so unworthy and unloved. At that time in my life, I felt like garbage on the bottom of someone’s shoe being dragged around.
My self-esteem was minus zero.
I cried myself to sleep that night, and when I woke up the next day, I decided that I would remain silent, never trying to speak those words again. Why should I? Nobody seemed to care enough to listen anyway. That is exactly how I felt and carried that baggage with me throughout my young adult life. The silence trudged on. How truly sad.
This is why I knew I had to find a way to create safe spaces for people to share and disclose their abuse, because I didn’t want them to feel like I did back as a young adult. I felt ashamed, defeated, embarrassed, worthless and exhausted. I also know that many people who have tried to step forward to raise their voices have been shut down just like I was. I know that incredible pain.
I now have the ability to offer someone else a gift that was never given to me. This is my calling and my mission, to help other people. Now I know what I need to do.
I realize that when someone is honest and authentic when they speak, people do stop and listen. Every time that I step onto a stage or jump into a podcast to share my story and experiences, I know I have to bring that emotion forward from a very personal and loving place. Being authentic as I share helps people to connect and feel comfortable to do the same. I am relatable because many have walked in the same footsteps as mine. I am a voice for the voiceless.
We all have a story, and each and every one of them is unique, important and special.
Here are some key points and guidelines when it comes to disclosing abuse and taking the important steps to go on your personal healing journey.
The first and most important thing that someone needs to do is find a safe place to speak. Many organizations have people someone could connect with to talk about options to disclose trauma.
As the Massachusetts National Ambassador for Naasca (National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse), I am one of the many people in our organization that someone could come to and speak privately about their abuse. That is one of the many jobs of our big list of ambassadors.
You can even look at local support groups through schools, libraries, doctors’ offices and even hospitals. There are many mental health programs that someone can find locally or on line (just make sure they are credible).
Once you start the process rolling, you must continue to push forward on this journey. It is time to start to find positive ways to release your pain and that could be through writing, music, being out in nature; just to name a few. It is about self-care and being kind to yourself throughout the process.
This is also a time of self-discovery. The more that you learn about yourself and what makes you tick, the better you can help yourself along the way. Also, surround yourself with good supportive people. Connect with people that will lift you up, and not put you down for your struggles.
This process truly is a lot about self-work, commitment and understanding your triggers, quirks, and struggles.
The next step should be finding a therapist. This needs to be a non-judgmental and neutral person who could help you weed through the “muck." Yes, I call it muck because it is dark and messy. There is no way around that fact.
Finding a therapist that you feel a connection with is such a very important part of this process. It may take some time to find the right person, and it is OK to say, “I am not connecting with you, and I need to keep on searching.” The key to therapy is feeling safe enough to talk about what is going on internally, and feel like you are being heard.
**Not all therapists fit that mold, and if you have been through trauma and abuse you may want to seek out someone who has experience in this field.
You will know when you have found the right person. I encourage anyone who has been through trauma in their lives to take the time to work through things in therapy. It is hard to go it alone, and the big message is, that you do not have to.
Once you find someone you are comfortable with, I always suggest starting at the beginning. Go back to your childhood, and you will be amazed at what you find there. Start to write some stories down from your past, and you will find many connections. It is a long and daunting process, but such a necessary one.
You must take things piece by piece so that you can understand your thoughts and emotions connected to them. You start at the beginning and slowly move forward. When things become too heavy (which they will), you need to pause. Take a break from it, and then go back to it when you are ready.
Your mind and body need to absorb what you are speaking about, and they need a chance to catch up. Allow yourself that time to rest your mind a bit. Once you are ready to move forward, take on the next piece.
REMEMBER: Do not try to work through it all at one time, because it will be an epic failure. I say that out of personal experience. You cannot rush the process; you have to let it unfold naturally and on your body's timeline.
Take it all in stages, and you will see the process happening. You will start to feel lighter as you release those old pains of the past. One by one those masks of pain and shame will fall to the floor, making room for more positive things in your life.
Again, this takes a lot of time and patience. This process can take years. You cannot undo something so quickly that has been sitting with you for so long. That age old saying, “Patience is a Virtue”, really applies here.
Stepping forward and doing the work will bring you through many levels of thoughts and emotions. It comes in stages. You will have days that you feel like you have accomplished so much, and there will be other days that you feel like you are going backwards. Those feelings of sadness, anger and depression will hit you like a ton of bricks. There will also be times of great frustration when you just want to give up!
Those are the times that you need to be the kindest to yourself. Please learn how to love yourself through this journey. Embrace your inner child and hold them tight, even saying the words out loud, “You are ok, you are safe now." Those words are so comforting and validating.
What I really want all of you to know is that YOU CAN DO THIS. As difficult as it is to walk this path towards freedom, it will be the most amazing ride of your life. This is the period in time when you get to reclaim it all. You get to change the narrative moving forward. The more that you heal and become stronger, you will start to see the difference in how you think and feel. Things that you may have reacted to negatively in the past now have a more positive twist.
The healing journey is messy, but once the clouds start to part ways, your view will become more focused giving you clarity. Those clouded visions are now crystal clear, and new things will awaken inside of you fueling your determination to continue on. It is a powerful and profound adventure that you are embarking on, with the promise that you will bask in the sunshine once again.
Out of the darkness, light will shine!
The Impact:
When we share our stories for purpose, education and awareness the impact on people can be immeasurable. When I broke the silence and went on my own healing journey everything in my life changed for the better. I feel whole once again. I have my dings, dents and triggers, but now I understand them. I work with them and not against them.
Sharing my story is THE IMPACT, and I always hope and pray that I am helping someone break the silence and go on their own healing experience. We walk together. You are not alone.
The biggest question I have for all of you is:
Are you ready to Embrace the Journey?
I am forever the writer and creator. I would like to leave you with these two poems:
ARMS OF SORROW
There are days when I am tired and weak… On
Those days in the arms of sorrow I seek… Sometimes, life too hard to bear, drowning in the
Dark waters of despair… Waters beating down on me so
Hard… This never-ending rain pounding, burning, so scarred…
Pulled into the abyss… Funneling deep into the depths
Of the ocean floor… Down so far, one cannot see the light of day.
Lungs filled with heavy confliction, thoughts of what life
Is supposed to be, rolled over by waves of open seas…
Why such pain, such confusion? Thoughts so disturbing, no voice could come through…
Buried in the rubble of a volcano that blew… No
Light coming to guide my way, to find me, save me
Tell me I will be ok… Seeking refuge in this shipwreck of my mind,
In the arms of sorrow, I do find… My comfort, my shelter,
My deep faith, how can one forsake? When a rush of calming waves barrels over
Me, the warmness of a new day I can finally see…
My personal vessel I do name, “My Shipwreck of Sorrow”,
Sailing off with my pain… Extended arms, bow so strong… They got me through the wake
Of the storm… I survived another day, my arms of sorrow showed
Me the way… Once again, my hope restored, my arms of sorrow
Kept me warm…
I was lost, now I am found my lighthouse of hope turned me around… To the safety of land
I do sail! My personal vessel will prevail… This never-ending faith, a light kept me going through
The worst time of my life!
Shipwreck of Time
Time in a bottle for us to keep for eternity…
Sailing on through life fighting off the heaviness of the night, seeking
Light…
What is wrong or right how do we handle the gloom of the past, life racing so fast, what is truly Everlast?
In the depths of dark waters buried so deep the shipwreck of sorrow weeps…
Cold and lonely, this inner bilge desolate rooms water filled.
Creaking and cracking on the ocean floor… waves of emotion keep you from shore.
In the depths of hell with concrete feet the heaviness so strong total defeat!
Crawling and creeping your way, trying to make it through each passing day…
Internal strength will give you the might -- as long as your crawling defeating the night…
Up the stairs to the bow is your place to be, but how do you get there hoping to be free…
You twist – You pull – with all that you got -- hearing those smoke stacks bellow and pop…
Guided by the sounds of true fight -- your intuitive guidance calling the rights!
Making your way to the front of the bow, your victory spot – smooth sailing now.
Always move forward are the words that we hear, our spiritual soul is always
near.
No more bleak and dismal emptiness for you – A life warrior true and true…
Oceans so blue and shining so bright you have made it out of the darkness
Forever Light…
Lisa Zarcone- Child Abuse Survivor. Author of “The Unspoken Truth A Memoir." Child and Mental Health Advocate, Public Keynote Speaker – Social Media Influencer – Radio Personality
MA National Ambassador for NAASCA (National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse)
The Book of Joann – My Mother’s Story with her lifelong battle with mental illness
CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) for children
2023 Women of Impact Award – Business West Magazine
2021 Massachusetts Heroine Award Recipient
Blogger on her website –
As the Massachusetts National Ambassador & Regional Director for NAASCA (National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse), she uses her title and personal story as a platform to speak publicly about child abuse and mental health. Her vigorous career includes, conference presentations, keynote speaker, workshops, author talks, podcast interviews, TV, Newspaper, Radio & DJ Spotlights.
Lisa is a fierce advocate for child safety and mental health. She has a powerful voice!
